I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Ha.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q