I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.