interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Do one person every day that scares you.