I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I think I’m having a stroke
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.