Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.