I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”