Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.