date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Love thy neighbor’s dog
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.