Best spot.. 😅
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…