Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Hello Twits.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Sooo many times…..
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.