Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭