How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I cannot call her anything else now
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!