15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
You Might Also Like
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.