I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I am having an out of money experience.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.