My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
You Might Also Like
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
#winning
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that