[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.