Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
another case of gang violins
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO