OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*