I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing