Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
You have been warned.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.