All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
But that’s none of my business
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked