NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You Might Also Like
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”