Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra