*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50