As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.