It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker