When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die