Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal