I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Simple
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
real
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.