Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Selfie
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.