It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
You Might Also Like
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Go hard or stay average
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Chicken bread
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.