I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Pandas 🐼🖤
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person