Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Möther may I have a snäck
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
it is time once again
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions