Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling