love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.