Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”