I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
79.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.