Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
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But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Choose your fighter
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “