Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
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If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Get in loser we’re going crying
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume