My wife has the worst taste in men.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.