When your man makes a valid point
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.