Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.