You deplete me
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: