who did the taste test?
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
don’t be scared
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
August 8
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out