This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
is this a warning or an offer?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.