[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.