Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?