ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
#dalle2
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure