How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You Might Also Like
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.