I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids